Wednesday, November 5, 2014

And Suddenly It Hits Me, No More Babies Ever

Three weeks ago I had a 9 pound tumor removed and also hysterectomy due to the fear of cancer.  They did find some troubling things about my uterus but thankfully not one bit of cancer.  Having this hysterectomy was NOT optional.  And I felt fine about it.  I have four children and am getting older.  We had no intention of having more children, and had been counseled by our midwife to think very hard about more kids because my last birth was a bit scary.  Also I am on a medication that would endanger the health of an unborn child, but one that would be very bad for me to stop.

All of the above reasons made it to where I was not conflicted or unhappy when the oncologist said I would have to have a hysterectomy.

But sometimes things take awhile to process.  Today I was looking through some pictures and came across ones of my children when they were very small and it hit me all at once that I would never have a baby again that was mine.  The finality of it hurt.  Before I always had the option, even if a small one, to have more children.  Now there is no option at all.

The thing is I love being a mother.  I loved being pregnant and feeling life growing inside me.  I loved nursing my babies and love babies in general.  The little adorable things that toddlers say and the first lisping I wuv you mamma's.  Every stage and every moment were and are precious to me.  And children are small for such a short amount of time.  A few years and then they are grown up forever.

I know many women go through this at some point in their lives.  We all must come to grips with the loss of fertility.  And know the pain will slowly fade and then disappear.  But for now I must just accept that I will feel sad about it at times.

1 comment:

  1. I read about your surgery as well as this. I can imagine how scary it was to go through that experience as I have an anxiety disorder too, and have had various health issues. The Lord was very kind to you and yours that it all turned out so well.

    I married late in life and we do not have children. I just want to reach out to you with a bit of understanding. For us, children were not a good option from the get-go, so in many ways I'm accepting of our situation. With a desire to accept the situation, it does get better in time, but it also still hurts sometimes, as you've found. Being "in the yoke with Jesus" makes all the difference in the world, though.

    Matthew 11:29-30 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.


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